Teenage Monster Part II

Teenagers, who’d have them? Well, quite frankly... we wouldn’t have them, if we knew what they were like in advance of having them. Though I’m sure that in itself wouldn’t be enough evidence to wipe the 12 years we have prior to them becoming teenagers; they’re pretty good years, in the grand scheme of things. My secret concern is that I’m not yet sure what “the grand scheme of things” amounts to. If it’s a continuation of what I’m currently experiencing it’s fair to say the jury is still out, cautiously deliberating.  

If that sounds unreasonable, let me elaborate on the current state of affairs. I’d liken it to living in fear of a tsunami, without the safety net of knowing there’s an emergency checklist that covers off all possible scenarios. If it was as easy as running to the hills via the local crossing, I wouldn’t feel so constantly anxious about the safety of my family. By that I refer to the mental safety of my family rather than the more traditional physical aspects one might associate with a tsunami.

I won’t go into details of incidents because it would be the death of me if I had to mentally recall and subsequently relive them. It’s more about the gradual whittling down of emotional strength I feel as each day passes. All the mindful practices I’ve practiced over the years (and believe me, I’ve tried many) fail me. I have nothing in my mental toolset to assist with obstinate responses, exhausting contention, and levels of respect that parallel what a dinosaur might grace an ant. I know, from all my glorious mindful practicing, it’s all about learning to control my own reactions to his behaviour, because they’ll be a cold summer in Africa before I’ll ever get to control his. I know that I should affirm peace and harmony every morning when I wake up and visualise it engulfing my home and family, but sadly no amount of conscious intending is powerful enough to reach inside his brain and spread the joy. There’s no question Mum’s are blessed with supernatural physical strength to bear their children; what a wonderful world it would be if only we were additionally blessed with the emotional strength required periodically beyond that point.

The fact that our children live in the computer age does nothing to assist with the struggle. They find solace (and separation from us ants) staring at a screen, which increasingly becomes a surrogate for real life companions and authentic communication. It’s no longer just a battle with the teens (our parents had it easy), it’s a battle with the screens. On the downside, it’s a constant foe always lurking in the wings, promising fun, enticing participation. Only we know, as parents, it’s not really ‘social media,’ it’s the opposite. On the upside, it’s leverage. I can’t tell you how many ‘game plans’ my husband and I have had in recent times around the use of computers as both rewards and punishments. We still don’t know which is more effective... granting them time from zero for good behaviour, or taking pre-allocated time away for bad? Sigh. Of course "All" my son's friends have "unlimited" screen time, which makes us ogres either way. We keep revisiting our battle strategy which doesn’t bode well for consistency - apparently a key component of good parenting. Our current approach is that screen time is limited to specific times and there’s a mandatory requirement to spend a reasonable amount of ‘family time’ together after meals. I expect that’s quite easy to achieve when you only have one child. An additional element of uncertainty comes into play when you have more than one. The struggle then becomes who can agree to which game to play, or which T.V. programme to watch, you know, in the ‘family time.’ I think you can see where I’m going with this. I don't propose to have the answer. For those who know me, you'll appreciate I find that quite disturbing. I’m the kind of person who likes to find solutions, who likes to have a plan. I often reflect how in my past life I was a project manager responsible for the installation of a global computer application, and now I can’t even successfully manage three people (husband included). I guess there’s a big difference between a global corporation with people who are paid to get a job done, and family. Family you can’t predict, circumstances and emotions aren't always in our control. And of course, we always hurt the ones we love. There’s a good reason for that though. It’s because we’ll always be there for each other, not matter what.

I’ve decided, with the help of dear friend and fellow teen strategist that my son needs to engage in activities outside the home and away from the screens. This is very helpful for me, because now I have a plan! While I don’t have the answers, I see light at the end of the tunnel. Whether it’s a job, a sport, or a club, we need to find a way to meet halfway, to freshen things up a little. At the end of the day, I am still the parent, and even though he thinks he’s a dinosaur, I know what he really is... a little boy who's growing up and still needs his Mum to walk beside him a little longer, albiet quietly.

Mum’s the Word: