Social Networking

My nephew sent me a friend request via Facebook recently. It would have been rude not to accept, particularly as he pro-actively labelled me publically as his Aunty... pending acceptance (?). It was my first Facebook request from a teenager, so I was intrigued to catch a glimpse into the 'goings on' of the new-age online. My first insight was intriguing... upon acceptance (thereby officially his Aunty), I noticed I was his 260^th friend. He’s 13 years old. Either something has dramatically changed in terms of the process by which the new generation make friends, or the definition of friendship itself has changed.

Friend [noun]: a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard; a person who gives unconditional assistance or support as needed.

It seems the definition hasn't changed. I consider I fit the bill with regard to being his friend in terms of the current Oxford interpretation. I reflected though that when I was his age, I could probably have counted on two hands the people who held that status in my world. So he’s doing exceptionally well to have amassed such a vast quantity at such a young age;  I assume his 'friends' constitute the majority of his school role. Which begs the question: do children today understand the true nature of friendship... are they able to distinguish clearly between their authentic friends, and their sometimes, when-I-feel-like-it or when-I'm-online friends? Or has the internet age that has delivered to us social networks like Facebook distorted their view to the degree that their quantity of friends holds more 'cred' and kudos than their quality? Without a doubt, something has definitely changed. I'm certain the shift in perspective has been driven by technology, but am currently undecided about whether it's a good or a bad thing in terms of social development.

Certainly, the children of this generation have access and exposure via IT devices that deliver to them an enormous, practically limitless 'ethereal' playing field that extends well beyond the strict perimeters of the school yards we used to kick a ball around in our day. I can appreciate how alluring that must be to an easily stimulated adolescent trying to win friends and influence people. I don't doubt that freedom of expression and exploration can be a positive thing to some degree, but I do believe that unforeseen consequences could accompany it, so there is a balance of responsibility that must be considered around the freedom.

When I was young, I didn't have the luxury of 'poking' my friends remotely from my computer when I wanted to make contact. I used to call them on the phone. It was a pretty radical, direct approach. When we met (in person), we'd have an actual discussion. If one of us said something the other particularly liked or didn’t like, it was obvious by our facial expressions. We would laugh or frown, or make some other human gesture that gave us an indication as to how the conversation should progress. We always kept it within the bounds of mutual respect and social acceptance. These days on Facebook, we're gifted with the awesome power to make a one-directional comment, sometimes fearlessly bold and liberated, which allows us to extend ourselves beyond the boundaries of what we might dare to say in 'real life.' There are no immediate consequences. One or more of our friends might ‘like’ our comment, which is naturally fabulous and self-fulfilling. However, for a sensitive and impressionable young soul, it's not a far stretch to assume that if one of our friends didn't ‘like’ our comment, it must mean they disliked it. There is no allowance for absence or apathy, nor any allowance for a mutually reasoned, healthy discussion around a subject. Even if an abbreviated word exchange does result from a comment, voice intonation and expression are missing, so the potential for misinterpretation is rife. So trapped forever in the 'ether' are the insecurities of impressionable souls... freed only by real-life connections and communications.

I confess there were times in my susceptible youth when I felt a pinch of friendship insecurity. It's something we've all felt throughout our lives at some stage or another. For example, if I agreed to meet a friend to ride our bikes to school together and she didn’t show up at the arranged time and place (there were no mobile phones in those days to alert me to any variation in plan), I'd worry she'd gone with someone else, or just forgotten about me. What concerns me in this age of Facebook is that there's a risk one might feel insecure simply as a result of someone not liking their comment. Or God Forbid, someone not accepting their friend request when they'd put themselves out there. And what of the more recent Facebook application: “Top Friends,” which enables people to exclusively mark their 'favourite' friends so they’ll stand out from the crowd. How crushing would that be to someone who thought they were one of your ‘top friends,’ only to find out they hadn’t been marked? I’m genuinely concerned that the Facebook phenomenon (and IT advancement in general) has brought with it the potential for a plethora of new social psychological issues that make it a good time to consider re-training as a psychiatrist or a counsellor. In fact, it might be a good career path to encourage my children to pursue... it could set them up for life.

I worry that our children's access to the internet and social sites will seriously diminish their chances to develop real social skills. I don't doubt they'll still make some genuine friends the same old fashioned way that we used to, but I think the "Facebook" age could ironically expose them to greater risk of potential bullying, insecurity, and isolation.  I also believe attachment to social networks could easily become an addiction. The compulsion to go online at every opportunity could override the more healthy alternative of arranging human contact, which in my view is far more fulfilling and rewarding.

Having said all of the above, I do subscribe to Facebook myself. But in my defence, I employ in parallel the old school tactic of making phone-calls to my friends. I must say though that even amongst my own generation, I think phone communication is becoming a dying art. We all have busy lives and it's definitely easier to drop a message online than to make a call, but  personally I don't think that can ever replace hearing someone's voice. And a Facebook hug can ever replace a real hug, from a real friend - you know, the kind who would take you in if your house burned down. 

Of course, it could just be that I'm an old fossil, and my nephew will read this and think... whatever. Either way, I'm just going to have to flow with it, because it's here; it is what it is. What I do know is that without question I'll make sure my children 'befriend' me when they're eventually old enough to join Facebook. I need to be amongst (albeit passively) the 'in' crowd when a party invitation goes viral, especially if it's at my house. And I'll need to make sure I have my real friends on speed dial if my house burns down as a consequence.  

Mum’s the Word:

Social networking is inevitable. It's already happening, and our children won't escape it's claws. It’s our responsibility as parents to make sure they at least grow up learning the value of true friendship and the art of face-to-face socialisation.